R.I.P Michael Jackson, I'll still rock with you. :(

It was year 6 graduation.
There were dramas, tears, and terrible excuses for food - but really, what graduation isn't.
The multi-purpose room was Croydon Cinemas dressed as Hoyts.
And then there was me.
I had carelessly let my mother and sister decide my form of dress.
My friends were having a tiff, which really wasn't a surprise.
We sat at the table in silence.
I decide to walk around, and I remember so vividly the light changing.
There they all were, the couples on the dance floor. Each and every
single person with another, attempting to dance slowly, but surely, into
high school. I thought to myself that someone will, of course, ask
me to dance. So I waited. I waited and I held back the tears as I
struggled to contain the realization that maybe I wasn't someone worth dancing with.
I start to feel sick as I stepped closer into the crowd, hoping maybe
someone would notice. They didn't.
I must have been Eve realizing she were naked, only to find the real shame
was that it drew no attention.

And I see that today. I look through the crowd and see friends
who are couples and couples who happen to be friends. And there, on the outside,
I'm still just the girl who is waiting for someone to ask her to dance.

C.

( It's been a long time coming for me to write this post. )

C.

The lights are on but no one is home.
My eyes are open but my mind is gone.
Where am I now, who knows.

I'm not okay.

R.I.P Grandmama, our lives will never be the same.

Let's recap.

1. Behind on all my work at Uni, but loving it.
2. My grandmother died on Saturday, I don't know whether we're coping.
3. I love myself, my body, everything.
4. I've been approached to start cheerleading; mixed results on whether I should do it.
5. All of my friends, new and old, are great. They're really important to me.
6. I know my life has changed.

Finally.

xoxo
Kitty.

It's kind of late
but damn, did I miss writing.

It's 09. I feel different, I look different and I don't have my license. I have a job, I have things I want to do and I talk to the same people. I don't consider myself nearly as critically as I used to, but enough for me to be weary of letting go completely. I try new things and I keep myself busy. I have a bedroom which needs to be painted and a bed that has yet to be made. I have a new course to attend, and I'm pretty stoked.

I really don't remember much of last year. Maybe I choose not to in some ways because I wasn't there a whole lot. I was noticeably removed, and the question of why still seems to stand.
The start of the year is what I keep locked in my head.

There was the library, couches, parmas and fries; lectures, laptops and lunch; first day getting lost, two buses, and six very different people.

I don't know what to say. For a while I didn't know who I was without them. I cherish all of my friends, but there were a few in particular who I connected with immediately; one of them was Ricky. I remember meeting him so clearly. He was so confused, and in a bit of a daze as he really had no idea where he was going. It was like he was in a completely different world with something as extraordinary as marmalade sky. I was nervous to meet him because I had seen him before. I kept thinking that maybe he wouldn't be interested in getting to know me or something like that.

I gave him a hug and it was like we didn't need all of the introductions, we were already there. I never thought I'd find so much in just one person. He made me laugh and appreciate so much more about so many things, probably more than I could explain. He blows my mind and so down to Earth that sometimes it's hard to fathom someone so together. I treasured spending time with him, especially in his car with it's charming 'semi-automatic' windows. I always felt this course was something I had to do, and it's people like him that make me see that everything happens for a reason.

For someone so spectacular, I should have done anything for him. For all of my friends, I should have been there; I was a shitty friend. I could have done so much more. I felt guilty when I deserted him like the others, but I was heartbroken when I realised that he's the one I've disappointed the most. I keep thinking of all the times I could of, should of, and would have done differently. But I only thought of myself. I guess he's the scarecrow of the group, the one I'll miss most of all. I'm still working the letter I want to send, but they're harder to write than I thought.

There are so many other things to say about the others that I had met. There was Luke, who always knows what to say, and Nick, the only other person who remembers the Vicar of Dibley; there's Jimi, who will always be able to make me laugh inside and out, and Kitch, who has the best calls on almost everything; Jane, who I adore, who helps me see the world differently. I can't help but feel at home with her even when we're just on the phone.

Daniel, who has always been so lovely to me no matter what mood I try on. He'll stick around. Will and Vinny, who took care of me even when I was 3 ft. away from landing myself in hospital. Dean, who can make even Lilydale Lake still seem like a playground after dark, and my darling Holly, who just gets me. I wish I could see all of them more. I wish I did a lot of things differently, but I can't keep beating myself up about things that I can't change. Things that I wouldn't change.

Sam left today and that's when my year begins. The summer is ending and the year is starting as he's going back to Adelaide. I miss him more than anything, and anyone.
It's when he's gone that I realise the whole motion of the year is still turning.

Orientation starts next week and it does feel all too familiar.
Deakin wasn't a rehearsal, it was very real. I just hope I keep my heart open this time.

xoxo
Kitty.

I'm 19.
I'm sitting on Luke's computer wondering how on Earth I'm going to face tomorrow with such little sleep.
The tea at 5:30AM with his parents was kind of nice though.

His keyboard is louder than I expected. Damn.

xoxo
Kitty.

I got in. :)

xoxo
Kitty.

:)

Beneath the window frame and through the glass
a whole world I leave behind to study at last.

The summer air returns, and with it, memories of such things I haven't recalled in months. I have a feeling that the summer that will come to pass will be one to remember, but I'm not certain as to why. Perhaps it's just a feeling of freedom, an element of fear; a chance of breaking ties, burning bridges and laughing down my last drops of insincerity. The people I knew last year don't surround me as they used to and I them. Where will we go from here? Where should we look for the signs. Go back, pick up the suitcases and open up the lasting impressions we kept shut when Autumn drew it's final breath, or keep walking. Find a ticket, find a lover, forget the blunt building blocks that absorbed so much energy and leave. Simplicity at it's best.

What you're searching for isn't always in the last place you look. It's probably nowhere that you have to look at all. It's not where anyone says you can find yourself; I didn't go overseas, I should have. I didn't sleep with anyone, I should have. I didn't drop out, maybe I should have. I've found that concentrating on what you should have done, or could have done, will ultimately lead you nowhere. I couldn't have been anyone other than who I was this year because I had all means of changing. I couldn't have prepared myself for it. Painfully raw in all my apparent {former} glory. It's likely I've already found myself in the reflection of some connex train, but I look at her eyes and they are darker and it seems she's forever frowning. But she's only a reflection, a mere indication that I exist. Nothing more. She disappears and I'm at a loss for words.

It seems I'm often at a loss for words these days.

This time last year, I didn't know who I was. From my eyes so tired, so immensely tired, I didn't expect as such. I didn't stare at my last minutes of year 12 knowing where I was going.
And neither should you.

xoxo
Kitty.

Nothing like a bit of the ol' razzle dazzle of Mr. Brightside
I think I may love The Killers for all of time. Make way for the H-MAN, yeahhh!

Stop the press: I went to Uni today. That's right, I physically lifted my legs out from underneath the covers, found the floor, and got dressed. It's an achievement, I must say. Better yet, I went to school on time and studied for over two and half hours! Oh, snap! My mind has finally made an appearance, creeping out from obscurity. How it got there in the first place is beyond me. I even found myself wanting to learn, a feeling I hadn't felt since early semester one. I did the whole I'm-so-cool-reading-this-scientific-journal act, except I .. wasn't .. acting. Yeah. One was on global warming, another on potentially groundbreaking cancer research. NERD ALERT.

I love Deakin. No, truly, I do. Alex makes me smile whenever I see her, and I can spend a whole afternoon with her and not even think about the time. I get worried about her sometimes because of her health, but I know she always means well. She wore a wicked jacket today. And I love seeing Leah, she's so cheery! I always love what she's wearing, too. I could never pull off the kind of style she rocks at Uni. Probably anywhere, really. I adore her little affair with coffee, but I think her laptop was in the way today. Either that or she was holding the cup in the other hand, who knows. That's something she probably would do, come to think of it. Aha!

I finally saw Kate for the first time in what seems like years, and god, not a moment too soon. I forgot how well we get on and it was amazing to have someone who thinks almost completely on my level. Most of all, I missed her spirit. She's pretty much worth going to Uni for. Speaking of people I go to Uni for, I saw Jane's new haircut! Waha, she's too adorable for words. It's too bad she had to go to that Chem prac though, otherwise I'd probably of hugged her to pieces. She'll probably never read this, and props if she does, but I am genuinely sorry that I didn't go to Wilson's Prom with her during the holidays. Even trivia tonight. I'm low on cash, but I have so much to do, and I'm exhausted.
Speaking of which, I should probably bail. Night!

xoxo
Kitty.

5 million bookmarks and a half glass of soda water later
and I've finished watching Looking for Alibrandi.

This is the second time I've wrote this blog entry, so bare with me.
(Stupid refresh button.)

A much happier C than the weekend combined, I made the executive decision to begin buckling down on study. Today was the perfect opportunity to get the ball rolling; give it a righteous push as it's stuck somewhere between the 's' and 't' in the delightful word 'procrastination'. I thought to myself, 'Yes, prove to yourself you can! Seize your potential!' or some sensationalised garbage like that.

I end up in the bathtub listening to nothing in particular, with the exception of the incredible hail scattering outside, letting my hair swirl in the water around my face while reading The Green Mile. It's my first Stephen King, and for those of you who haven't fainted contemplating the years it took for it to happen, I'm enjoying it so far. In particular, I admire his somewhat signature style, illustrating both depth and curiosity although the protagonist’s point of view in some areas can be quite forlorn. On the contrary, King did highlight his unique quirkiness in his letter to the ‘inconstant reader’, which I found quite charming, but I’m used to as such. I always fall for the writer. Get in line, you say?

It was well into the evening before I realised I should get a move on. I removed myself gingerly from the cold water onto the slippery tile, washed my hair, and was done.

I tried my best not to watch Australian Idol. But I did. As punishment I had to sit through the painstakingly gruesome act of musical suicide that was Metrostation. (NOTE: A sentence providing guaranteed alienation from your friends if I ever saw one. Use it wisely.)

It’s so hard to keep myself from looking up decoration, pattern and painting in the past few days, and today was no exception. I finally found the stick-on artwork that didn’t quite have a name. Apparently it’s called decal, or wall-art, which seems so insanely obvious that I should have figured it out on my own. I didn’t. Needless to say, I was ecstatic when I found the numerous bookmarks via ‘This Next’. It really does seem like the perfect medium between the two extremes - sticking up posters or simply painting the artwork myself. In comparison to the creative minds found in many of my friends (Jo, Curtis, Elyse, to name but a few), with talents that often excel past expectations, I can’t help but feel artistically challenged; and I’m the first to admit that I completely fail under such pressures. Wall-art could essentially be the answer to my design dilemma. For reference, there are different classes of wall-art, such as classic and way cool super fun happy times**. They even cater for the hardcore Nintendo fans! Ah yes, today marks the beginning of a steaming love affair.

xoxo
Kitty.

**Not actually a category.

I've had my break. My study starts tomorrow.
This is it.
Don't. Fuck. It up.

Neuropsych, here I come.

xoxo
Kitty.

( I LJcut because I CARE. )

Yuh, right. So I wear no make up, and I get Billie Piper. But that's the black and white talking, hey! I gain weight, and then I get an Olsen. Sure! What a bizarre photo of her, am I right? Fuckin' aye.

xoxo
Kitty.

I'm tipsy
enough said.

Day after day, it starts over the same. I feel for my phone, I look for the message(s) that I already know I haven't recieved. I look out my curtains to see if the day is worth going out into, and then I crash with a groan. And what do I do about it? Nothing. I go outside in my PJs and get the mail, hoping for a catalogue starting with "A" and ending with "LDI". By 7PM I'm already half way to forgetting I was ever asleep. Despite the terrible beginnings, not one night has been wasted so far. I'm feeling pretty fucking fantastic. Yeah, the people who have totes been there, you know who you are.

As I lay here in no particular fashion, unlady-like as it may, listening to music that I bought with my own money, I miss playing pool and drinking Red Bull but I don't miss much else. Or what I shook off? Who I shook off? Something happened last week. Things made a lot of sense, with or without tequila (but better with, if you know what I'm saying, Tana). Salt and lime and Ricky and laughter and strawberry gum and trains and grimacing and vodka and jazz and the cold. Daniel and Katie and Lance and etc etc etc DO I CARE about Elsternwick? I hit a wall, and I self destructed. Good.

I've been through many a conversation on why/how I've been acting the way that I have, and I've decided that I'm probably better off. Just whatever. Better off with so and so, better off without so and so. I'm not sad, I'm not tired, and I'm not dependant on too many people. I couldn't care less where I end up most nights, and who exactly needs to know if I'm 'okay'. I don't care. I've given comfortable the flick, and I suppose I'm more myself than I have been in months. I suppose I owe that to alcohol and The White Stripes. My brother would be a little proud, wouldn't he? Haha, aw, I miss him.

So far? A fantastic holiday with mates who need more booze, pool and 6:30AM at Maccas, with me in the midst of all of it, restless and at ease at the same time.

Shout out to the PJ SATURDAY people.
Post drinking has commenced.
Loveee.

xoxo
Kitty.

PS. Chelsea Shirley Phillips
1st of July
You're an angel.

( A rough DIY timetable of Semester 2 )

xoxo
Kitty.

I'm so tired. The chemistry practical went for ages, but it was the last.
I think I might stay at Deakin for the next semester. See how we go.

xoxo
Kitty.

Okay, so I shouldn't really on the internet. I'm in an Ecology lecture and I suppose I have an excuse. I hope that I don't get busted for this, but then again, who would be looking.

. . But I have nothing to say.
Woety, woety.

xoxo
Kitty.

Life had been pretty good recently. It's probably why I'm writing now!
I'm now financially quite independent. I didn't expect that I'd be earning as much as I am earning, but I can't say I'm unhappy about it. I can now save, but also spend when I need to. Work life is actually quite good as well, considering the people are just so friendly and willing to help out someone new when they have troubles. I made $332.91 last week! Thank god.

I'm also exercising again, which is definitely something I have put off for a long time. As it turns out, it's really that boost of energy that I've been getting that has really pushed me to do other things in my life that I was adamant to pursue. It seems like only a good thing so far.

On the other hand, I miss a lot of people at the moment. Old friends. I miss having that sort of security of just going to Luther, coming home, going back again and doing my thing. It's great at university, having that friendship group and learning new things about different people, but the fact remains that they're not the people that have defined most of my teenage life. They couldn't ever be those people. I regret not spending more time with them, doing things like camping and whatever. I think we should have a bonfire someday or something. That'd be cool.

***

In other news, I just stuffed up chocolate cake. Oh, yes, that's right. I'm a monster.

***

PARENTS AWAY UNTIL TUESDAY, HOORAY.

xoxo
Kitty.

It's been an up and down, down, down day. Here's an email I sent to Laura Wallis, 'Prospective Student Manager' of Swinburne University, to give an explanation of this limbo.

( Dear Laura Wallis.. )

That last person was rather abrasive, too. She insisted that the information on what units I would be covering would be given after I'm accepted.
I wanted to tell her to go fuck herself.
I mean, it makes no sense. Why am I suddenly expected to just jump into a course with no idea of what units will be covered? And what if, after I apply, it's too late for me to change to a different course?
It could be, in the end, a waste of time for everyone involved.
Especially me.

I'm peaking at beyond confused.

I GOT THE JOB.
OH MY GOD, I'M EMPLOYED.
Awesome.

Oh. Christ.
Job interview.
Coles.
Christ.
HELP. Wish me luck!

xoxo
Kitty.

I think I'm going to make breakfast tomorrow morning. That's something I haven't done in a long, long time. Hum.

I'm starting to get scared. The course that I'm currently enrolled in isn't engaging at all, and I'm afraid that if I don't transfer out via mid-year intake, I'm just going to up and quit. Go and work in a milk factory in Chelsea. Get money. Try to forget about my dreams.

But would I even be able to do that?

As much as I love the idea of going to Swinburne, I ought to be more realistic. Shouldn't I? Could I. Am I being realistic, or just negative? I want to be believe that they'll give me the sympathy vote and allow my entry, but that's definitely not professional at all. So where does that leave me? Accept my demise and continue in a course that leaves me dissatisfied, irritable? Or leave, and try for next year even though a half year isn't nearly as strong as a full year on an application? It would feel like such a waste of a year. All of it does. I don't know where to go! Why do I test myself like this.

It's not all going to plan.

xoxo
Kitty.

Shout out to Christopher, who I'm ever so proud of. However, if you're reading this, then you haven't completely changed. Catch 22!

I got home tonight at 8:30, and I couldn't help but feel a little liberated. I got myself home from bus to BH station, BH station to R station until finally a bus ride and a short walk. I'll admit that it took a long time, but I felt it was worth it based on the fact that I was on my own without any assistance. I don't do it too often, or more specifically, I never get the chance.

Kitchlette's birthday party is coming up, and I'm unable to attend. Sam's coming down this weekend and I've missed him in the last two consecutive times he's visited. Maybe I should make some cake/cupcakes soon and take them to university. Blah, but that would mean carrying the tray to and from my home on the train/bus and having people look at me funny. It really sucks that I can't go to his 2st, and I do want to make it up to him, hence the cupcakes-at-university idea. It'd be for him, so shouldn't I make a fool of myself for the sake of giving? Bah!

..Yeah, I could go for some chocolate.

xoxo
Kitty.

How come weekends suddenly feel really short, regardless of how unexciting they are?
'Evs, man.

I've been sitting around all day, eating constantly, trying to let it all sink in. I have two tests on this week, both of equal importance, and I haven't studied for either. Now, you might be wondering why that is. My answer? I'm not worried, and I haven't been in the mood. Two shitty excuses that should have been dropped sometime around year 11. :)

I'm looking forward to busting my arse this week to get my things in order. By the end of the week, I'm hoping to have successfully organised my Chemistry work in order to start revising for the mid-semester exam (50% is way too much for a subject that I'm not particularly spectacular at) and finalised the weekend - SAM IS THE ULTIMATE GIFT FOR STUDYING HARD. I must try my best!

On the upside? I couldn't be more awake. Hooray for late night studying.

xoxo
Kitty.

You Act Like You Are 25 Years Old

You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel like an adult, and you're optimistic about life. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. You're still figuring out your place in the world and how you want your life to shape up. The world is full of possibilities, and you can't wait to explore many of them.

What Age Do You Act?

~

Disorder | Rating
Paranoid: Low
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: Low
Antisocial: Low
Borderline: Low
Histrionic: Low
Narcissistic: Low
Avoidant: Low
Dependent: Low
Obsessive-Compulsive: Moderate

URL of the test: http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv
URL for more info: http://www.4degreez.com/disorder/index.html

Whoa.
Whoaaa.

xoxo
Kitty.

Where's my Dante Hicks?
Sigh.

Update soon.

xoxo
Kitty.

Did you hear that? I've got TALANT.

xoxo
Kitty.

Alright. Laying it out flat.
University is rearing it's head in just under 2 weeks. It may be ugly, but who knows?
There's really not much else to it.

So, what will I be doing?
I'll be attending Bachelor of Biological Science at Deakin University, of course!

Of course.

It wasn't my first preference, but hopefully with some hard work I'll be out of there and into what I actually want to be doing - Psychology & Psychophysiology at Swinburne University. That isn't to say I won't take this course seriously, because I honestly will. I've been so organised with getting everything sorted, which is a great start. I've had some lovely comments directed from the coordinator; it was actually really sweet.

In addition, I'll hopefully be studying under Certificate III in Health Services & Assistance at the Swinburne campus located in Prahran. My application was recently accepted for the course, but not confirmed. Providing that I attend class once a week, I may be employed in a local hospital in as soon as 6 months. It'll look great on my resume, and brings in a fair amount of money. However, I'm not sure how much stamina this short course will demand. If I find that it's too much, I'll definitely have to pull my weight or cancel the course. On the upside, I'll only receive confirmation during the late March period, which means I'll be able to judge my stress levels and workload at University; it'll give me time to think about whether I can juggle both tasks and still obtain a solid result. This is something I really want to do, though, so perhaps I can really shine.

--

Also on the agenda is.. the laptop! Oh, yes, the laptop.

I welcome.. the HP tx2000z, the Tx2011AU for us Australians, which is the upgrade from the lacking tx1000 model. Australians, and I suppose Europeans, click here.

Alright, so I'll be the first to admit that the model isn't perfect and probably not for everyone; it's not an Intel product under 4lbs with a dedicated graphics card included. I'm not phased, but I could care less after spending 4 years with this monstrosity of a machine. The issue of the first-thought stunningly useless Nvidia Geforce Go 6150 integrated graphics card has changed dramatically due to a certain interesting article which has really helped me out, even though I'm not really that interested in gaming to begin with. Good stuff.
Those 'bad' points aside, it's quite brilliant. For one, it's a Tablet pc that'll last me through Principles of Chemistry; the tx2011AU has space (250GB, a whole 213GB more than this laptop), RAM (2GB), a par processor (2.2 GHZ, AMD) and thankfully a Wacom digitizer as well as a touchscreen. It's just generally exactly what I need this year. The price at Computer World is $1889 with GST and the bonus $100 cash back included. After months of searching through laptop reviews, clues and styles, I truly believe this laptop is what I've been looking for. Well, at least for now. ;)

--

I met Tom the other day! We saw The Mist and ate Pork Buns and hugged.

..They really are tasty, aren't they.

xoxo
Kitty.

Ah, dearest LJ. I have not completely deserted you!
Tomorrow I finish exams, and my mind is boggling - I have so much I want to do once this is officially over.
Oh well, best go study.

xoxo
Kitty.

Okay. I sold out.
http://www.myspace.com/nove_

On the other hand, I just graduated from High School.

xoxo
Kitty

I've started this entry 5 different ways, but I suppose what it really comes down to is that school is nearly finished and the on-set of anxiety is due to collapse upon me in a few days.

Yep.

Exams will be fun. Won't they.

. .Yep.

xoxo
Kitty.

Movies to watch should I ever forget who I am:

+ Kill Bill (v.1+2)
+ Terminator 2
+ Clerks
+ The Breakfast Club
+ Practical Magic
+ Fight Club
+ The Matrix
+ Wayne's World
+ The Wizard of Oz.

Eat me.

xoxo
Kitty.

QUOTE OF THE DAY.

[02:18:59] [Yarrow] Yay! I started a Mario game and when given the quest to save the universe, I steadfastly refused to accept--and the game ended!

It's so ridiculous it made me laugh.

xoxo
Kitty.

Oh no! What's this, then? A post? Really.

I'm back for this brief period of time between now and Monday. What's to say about what I've been doing without sounding like a whining 5-year old wanting to know if 'we're there yet'? There's not a lot I can fit into my life that is remotely leisurely, but I try.

..But not hard enough, I suppose. ;)

xoxo
Kitty.

Happy Fathers Day!

For those who don't know:

1) Yeah, life is pretty good
2) Yeah, I'll be doing exams in two months
3) No, I'm not gay yet
4) Yes, I do accept rain-cheques
5) Indeed, the weather is spectacular.

xoxo
Kitty.

It doesn't know how right it is. :(

xoxo
Kitty.

( Cupcakes! )

*nod* eat.

xoxo
Kitty.

I dreamt there was a hot tub in my kitchen, and I was sitting in it with my sister whilst decorating slices with icing swirls.

xoxo
Kitty.

It's odd.

The moment I feel things are going my way, when I'm finally getting my act together, I find a whole new reason to question what I'm doing. I realise that it's difficult to come to terms with things as they have happened, but do changing moments such as my own that have occurred in my life have to last so long?

I used to say that I couldn't 'recognise myself in the mirror' for entirely different reasons than I do now. Now I'm physically changed - before, emotionally and mentally. It's easy to completely thread over all the things that have happened and all the choices I have made, but I can't do that. I look at who I was 3 years ago and realise that the person back then doesn't matter; it was the person that I wasn't that does. Family has emphasised that point greatly. I held myself back so much, and I certainly still do, because I'm afraid that I'll come up short and not be someone anyone willing would want to know. I'm so afraid of showing my true colours to a stranger that I come across a different person, and in result don't give what that person probably deserves. Who really wants to be the person always saying "you don't know me"?

And even if someone I'd want to know, and in turn want to know me, read this, I'd be so ashamed afterward that I couldn't possibly believe any comforting words of reassurance. I'd just pass it off for sympathy that they'd have to say rather than actually wanting to. Besides, I don't know anyone who wouldn't look at me other than a paranoid freak after reading this so I suppose that needt apply. Other than a few friends, I suppose the rest just see one facet. And that's it. No, now I look in the mirror and see the person that I've always felt that I've looked like or needed to be, but I'm so messed up that I can't even appreciate new things I used to anticipate without having to think about it first or simply not thinking at all. I don't see things the same, people the same. I'm not overtly vivacious most of the time because that was kid-me, and now others have higher expectations and I can't allow myself to be nearly as vulnerable and, well, naive. Now I have to be different so the people I've always wanted to know will want to know me. Why should I care so much about them?

I think I'm just tired. Tired of the getting-to-know-you and the disappointment there after when I've seen, heard and felt everything before; when I get the same smiles, the same laughs and the same idle conversation that has no depth what-so-ever. Making friends is so much harder now because everyone has found their place and appears to know the likes, dislikes, good things and bad things about everyone else. There is no mystery in that, but I don't dare change the system (I wouldn't be able to). But more importantly, I'm not sure of myself. If I can't be sure of myself then who can I be sure of? Could there ever be anyone I can be sure of if I can't even remember how to be close to someone properly in order to have that kind of certainty? If you're unable to love yourself, but want to, then why can't you love someone else and hope for the best if there is that little speck of hope? Cue Jeff Buckley's line about kissing for desire and not out of consolation, huh. Fuck.

xoxo
Kitty.

$6450.00The Cadaver Calculator - Find out how much your body is worth. From Mingle2 - Free Online Dating

Mingle² - Free Online Dating

xoxo
Kitty.

Alright.
I'm sitting at home, doing nothing except sit down and drink obscene amounts of benedryl and an orange juice + boiling water + honey mixture.
On the upside, I'm feeling much better throat wise!
On the downside, I'm developing symptoms of a head cold. Joy.

I haven't been feeling very good recently, but that's strictly something I have to figure out on my own. One more day of school and we're on holidays, so I guess I'll have forever to do that.

xoxo
Kitty.

Turns out I love Everclear. Huh.

Exams have finished, so exercising and eating better are back on the menu as I remember what it's like to not have something clouding over my day to day life.

Over a bowl of smooth cauliflower soup, I sit and have a thought. Several.
The majority of friends I know talk about changing their minds about their future once they've had a taste of what was/is to come. I don't necessarily sit here with no idea of what I want to do, because I do have some ambition in me. But I think of all the things I want to do, and what should or shouldn't come first.

I want to do Psychophysiology at Swinburne University, but I also want to travel. I want to live in the city with my own apartment buying the occasional material item and enjoying a social life, but I don't want to wind up with a closet full of jackets as my life worth. I want to have a girl when I'm young, but I don't want to get married (and having a child would mean sacrificing a lot of other things which frankly I'm quite concerned about if not pursued.)

I don't know what is to come after university. I haven't thought that far yet. I'm just glad I was pestered into thinking about the future when I was, because I really don't know what my life would be like if I didn't have university in mind and the subjects that I have at school. Call me naive.
I really feel as though I can't have all that I want. I know I won't be going around the world until I'm around 60, given that I'm still alive and the seven wonders of the world aren't already annihilated. Having children is far, far away (but not too far). And the living in the city deal? Only if I became rich overnight.

I guess I don't have much to figure out after all.

xoxo
Kitty.

Where the -hell- did this come from?
WHY IS THIS IN MY HOUSE?

xoxo
Kitty.

You know when you're not really thinking, but you have your music going on in your head? Yeah. I got that.
You know when you're meaning to say something, but you don't say it even though you have all the chances to? Yeah. I got that too.
And you know when you're completely and utterly hopeless that you just want to go harder so you can at least say you tried? Yep.

Just thought I'd point out some things, though.
I'm incredibly stressed out. I have everything mapped out in my head; when to do something, when to rest, when to eat. Planning around those plans are difficult, and I'm not struggling only because I haven't let my guard down. Additionally, it's fair to conclude that I don't have time to tell you everything I want to. I simply don't. I'm sorry, but that's just how it is.
I also don't feel like explaining how I'm feeling, bit by bit, because the sentences are just too hard to form into a coherent sentence, or conversation - or discussion, if you will. I'm quite loving the fact that I haven't thought about anything that I personally usually control rather compulsively at the moment. And if that's what I need right now? Seriously, that is what I'm getting. I won't let anyone take that away from me or make me feel guilty. I am not a bad person for putting exams as a priority.

Last mid-year exams for me at Luther. Ever.

xoxo
Kitty.

You know what you need?
You need to be kicked in the head.
God, seriously. WAKE UP.

xoxo
Kitty.

The same people update over and over again, and although I'm not at all interested nor amused by the amount of writing, I read it anyway.

I think I'm going to convert to a microblog soon.

xoxo
Kitty.

SAY NO TO THE CLOSING OF THE PALACE.

Anyone want Joost?

Am I still the only kid who still loves Billy Joel, Elton John and Don McLean?

xoxo
Kitty.